SOME NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once by LAN. Twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents you system from spawning child processes without joining into a binary network.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on the daughtercard.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS: Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS: Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Plays a patriotic WAV file while it shreds your files.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS: Attacks only minor files.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS: Your hard disk turns into a 3.5 floppy.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data but forgets where they are stored.

JANE FONDA VIRUS: Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or it becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD VIRUS: Claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".